


Not Stumbling

by suallenparker



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, One Night Stand, Pregnancy Test, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 22:11:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4075633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suallenparker/pseuds/suallenparker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Set after the season 1 finale but without Phil carving into walls and all the angst that it brought, but spoilers for everything Bahrain.) After a passionate moment in his office, Melinda becomes distant to Phil. When he goes to her to save their friendship, he finds her with a pregnancy test …</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Stumbling

**Author's Note:**

> ritten as a very, very late entry to the Philinda AU Challenge “Two Blue Lines”. Big thanks to ddagent for organizing everything so beautifully! And a big shout out to the wonderful, generous, amazing reader-lb who’s so supportive and smart and great! Thanks for always holding me a candle, friend!
> 
> Gosh, I’m so tired now! This took longer to write than I thought! I hope you enjoy this! Please let me know what you think!

Some things just happen. Sex isn't one of them. It's a choice. As much as he would like to have an excuse, there isn't one. Sex isn't something you stumble into, it's never beyond your control. And he slept with Melinda because he wanted to. God, he really, really wanted too.

Three weeks ago, she kissed him in his office. The hottest sex of his life followed. Right on his desk, of all places. Then she just walked away.

What a fool he is! When she kissed him, he thought she loved him too. So stupid. They haven't really talked since. They worked together, sure. That felt normal. But he misses his friend.

Maybe she just wants some space. He would give it to her, hadn't he seen that expression on her face today. Something's definitely freaking her out. He hasn't seen her this tense since their big fight. And he's her friend, right? At least he hopes he still can be.

When he knocks on her door and his heart is already racing. This could go horribly wrong.

Nothing.

He knows she's in there, because he already checked everywhere else in hopes to causally walk into her.

He knocks again. “It's me,” he says. “Please open up?”

He hears some soft footsteps. But the door stays shut.

“We should talk,” he says.

The door opens slightly and she blocks the entrance with her tiny frame, her head held high. He can catch a glimpse of her bed, but nothing more. She's wearing jeans and a black tank top. He remembers how it felt to ran his hands over her bare arms. He remembers how sweet her sweat tasted. He wants to kiss her. He wants to tell her he loves her and beg her to love him too.

Not a good plan. He swallows.

“Now's not a good time,” she says.

Yeah, something's definitely off and she doesn't want him here. Maybe he's the reason. His heart hurts. He swallows hard. He can live with her not wanting him as a lover. Losing her as a friend will break his heart. He needs her so much! “Are we broken?” he asks. Because if they are he needs to start fixing it right away.

Suddenly she looks so tired. “Please, just - “

He catches a glimpse of a small paper box on the bed. “What is that?” He lifts his head to get a better look and she straightens up.

Too late, he already saw. His heart skips a beat. “That's a pregnancy test.” he mumbles. “That's a …” He takes a deep breath and looks at her. “Is it for you?” he asks. Because maybe she keeps it for somebody else? But the package is already opened.

She tenses up even more and he knows.

“It's yours,” he says. A pregnancy test. She could be pregnant. They could be getting a baby. There's a pregnancy test on her bed! Oh my God!

“See you tomorrow,” she says before she closes the door in his face.

His knees tremble and he grabs the doorframe with both hands. He might need to sit down. “Did you pee on it yet?” Probably the stupidest thing he could've said.

No answer.

Crap. She could be pregnant and she's probably scared and he's utterly useless right now. He takes a breath. Time to pull it together. After another deep breath, he tries again, “Melinda, please open the door.”

Nothing.

He can do better. “Please, whatever happened, whatever happens next, I'm still your friend and …” He sighs. “You're looking very scared, please just let me in.”

“I'm not scared,” she says.

“Just panicking?”

She opens the door again. “Maybe it's just menopause.”

He can see her pulse race in her throat. “You believe that?” Because it doesn't look like she believes it.

She presses her lips together. “We used a condom.”

“Those can fail.” The condom had been in his wallet for a while. So stupid! He should've taken better care of her. he should've protected her better. Now they're in such a mess. It's clear she doesn't want any of this.

His fingers clench around the doorframe. He wants to touch her. Another bad idea. “Can I come in?” he asks.

She tilts her head like a scared horse. “This doesn't concern you.”

Like a punch in his stomach. Of course that concerns him! “Don't say that.” He loves her. He loves her so much. “Please,” he adds quietly. He just wants a chance at _something_ with her. At the very least he wants to be her friend. He hates seeing her in so much distress.

To his utter relief, she takes a step back and looks down. Not much of an invite, but he takes it.

“I haven't taken the test yet,” she says. “Maybe I'm just late.”

“How late?”

“Two weeks.”

“You should take the test. I'll wait.”

o0o

  
  


_**Three weeks earlier …** _

  
  


He already feels her eyes on him even before he looks up from his computer screen. And there she is, standing in the doorway to his office, her hands hidden behind her back in her typical nobody-gets-past-me-pose. Yesterday he returned from another trip to recruit new allies and it's so lovely to see her face again. He missed her. What he didn't miss is that concern in her eyes. He's fine. He doesn't feel crazy. No symptoms at all. He's just afraid that might change. It's probably the same for her.

But for now, he's okay. He tilts his head and grins. “I thought you didn't do comfort?”

Squinting at him, she walks towards his desk. “Excuse me?”

“You're checking up on me, are you not?” His grin widens.

And her squinting intensifies. “Just doing my job.”

Ouch! “Really?”

She stares at him for a moment, before she shakes her head and gives him a little smile.

He missed being teased by her. “Are you okay?” he asks.

She raises a brow.

“Unlike you I'm comfortable comforting people.”

She rolls her eyes and he loves her for it. He really, really missed her. He missed how he feels around her.

But she still seems worried. Tired, too. Rebuilding SHIELD takes up her energy, too.

“If it weren't for the Geneva convention I would offer you to beat up Ward to cheer you up,” he says and gets up from his chair.

She snorts. “If it weren't for the Geneva convention I would take you up on it.”

Ward really hurt her. For that, he'd love to beat him up too.

“I'm fine, Phil,” she says. She walks around the desk until she's next to him, which is good. Maybe there'll be an opportunity to touch her. Maybe he could give her some comfort. They haven't hugged in years. Not since Bahrain.

She's just as good as putting on a brave face as he his. Better, probably. “You know you don't have to be when you're with me, right?”

“Same.”

“Because you got my back?”

She smiles.

And he feels warm. “You mean a lot to me, too,” he says. “I should've told you earlier, I don't know why I didn't.”

“This isn't the end.”

“I know.” The last time they touched was while Hydra attacked the bus and he shielded her from bullets. But he felt betrayed then. He didn't understand.

“We'll get through this,” she says.

“How can you be so sure?”

She shrugs.

Still, he loves to believe her. He missed looking at her. Just that is soothing. She has lovely eyes. He's pretty sure he's staring by now, but she doesn't break eye contact. They had moments like this before. Moments he wished they'd kiss. His heart skips a beat before it starts racing, when she leans in and gently places her lips on his. And then she does it again.

Sighing, he takes her face in his hands and kisses her back. She melts against him and he can't hold back a groan the first time he tastes her. He loves every moan she makes. He's grateful when she starts tearing at his clothes. His jacket drops to the floor within moments.

They break apart briefly to pull her shirt over her head before they continue to kiss. Kissing her is quite possible the best thing he ever did with his mouth ever. He kisses her throat, her collar bone, her shoulders. He loves her.

They should stop. They're in his office. People could catch them.

He massages her breasts and she rubs her hips against him. It's fantastic!

Then he has her sitting on his desk, her thighs spread for him. She fumbles with his belt while he fumbles to pull a condom out of his wallet. Kissing doesn't make their tasks easier, but he doesn't care.

And he doesn't want to stop.

Sitting on the desk, she slips out of her jeans and panties as he puts on the condom. She's breathtaking to watch. He wants to tell her how beautiful she is. He wants to tell her he loves her. But when he opens his mouth, she places a finger over his lips.

Next her hands are in his hair, pulling him into another kiss, while he grabs her hips and slowly pushes into her. She wet and hot and tight. It's fucking perfect. They both groan when he's fully inside her. He thrusts into her and she keens. So he does it again and again until she clenches around him. He rasps her name when he comes.

Afterwards he takes care of the condom and she puts on her pants. Which is smart because they're in his office and somebody might come in. But then she just walks out without looking back. And he knows he's got it all wrong.

  
  


o0o

  
  


_**Now …** _

  
  


When she comes out of the bathroom, carrying the pregnancy test in a little glass, he's glad she doesn't shut him out again. The bed's between them now and it's awkward. He wishes she wouldn't be so far away.

“How long?” he asks, with his hand already on his wrist watch.

“Three minutes.”

He sets the timer. Thank God for technology. His hands tremble. He wishes, he could handle this better.

She looks at some distant spot on the wall and he misses her. The silence is awful. Even more so because silence can be so peaceful with her. Now it's just … anxious.

“Does this break us?” he asks.

She doesn't even look at him.

He swallows hard. “The sex was a mistake, wasn't it?”

“I won't hold you to anything.”

“That's the problem.”

She looks at him, her eyes widened.

“I want to be involved,” he says.

“You can be involved in the child's life without being involved with me.”

The child! Another punch in his stomach. They might have a child together. He never imagined it like this. “So you want to keep it?”

She shrugs.

Okay. He clenches his hands. “You'll have time to decide. Whatever you want, I'll be there.” His voice sounds rough in his own ears. He sounds like a pamphlet. Crap.

“If you're trying to be noble, I'll break your nose!”

“This has nothing to do with being noble.”

She snorts. “You're just trying to do the right thing.”

“I'm not -” He bites his lip. He loves her. He wishes that would make things easier instead of harder. “Why did you sleep with me?” he asks.

She looks away.

“Where you lonely, did you need a distraction or was it comfort? I just …” he sighs, “I want to understand.”

Her lips thin and she pulls up her shoulders.

“Because I thought we could be …” No, he can't tell her his stupid, romantic delusion. “But you left and now I just -” He shrugs. He's lost.

“What do you want from me?” she asks.

He wants her to be happy. He wants them to be friends again. And he wants his stupid heart to get over it. He's so not equipped for this conversation. This is the biggest mess he's ever gotten himself into.

The timer goes off and his heart almost stops. Because regardless how the result of that test, things are already changing.

They changed three weeks ago when she kissed him. They changed when she walked out.

His heart races as he watches her. Her hand clench around the plastic test so hard, he's almost sure, she'll break it. But she doesn't. She just looks at it. Then she turns her back to him and sits down.

He can her the ticking of his watch and their breathing. The test must be positive. Otherwise she would've just told him, he's sure. But she just sits on the bed, her back sloughed, one hand crinkling the covers, the other still holding that test. A positive pregnancy test. Oh God.

He walks around the bed and sits on the outer edge next to her, looking at her. He has no idea what to say. He just waits.

“Those tests can be inaccurate for a multitude of reasons,” she mumbles, still staring at the test.

He reaches for her hand on the covers and touches her gently. “Please …”

She glances at him, but doesn't flinch away when he takes her hand in his.

“What do I do now?” she asks. She looks so lost.

Still it feels like getting his friend back and over that he feels relief. “Whatever you want,” he says and squeezes her hand. “I'm here.”

“I need to let Simmons run another test.”

“Okay.”

“Why did you sleep with me?”

“I love you.”

She pulls her hand away. “That's not fair.”

He knows. “I'm not trying to -” He presses his lips together. “But you asked and that's my answer.”

She stares at him like he lost his mind.

He folds his hands together. “Like you said, we don't have to be involved in that way. I'm not gonna push you into anything you don't want.” He swallows hard. “But you asked.”

She doesn't even blink. She doesn't even take a breath.

“What do you want from me?” he asks.

“You love me?”

“Yes.”

“Because I'm pregnant.”

He shakes his head.“I loved you before. I loved you for years.”

Tears well up in her eyes and she bites her lip.

Shit. “Melinda –“ He reaches for her but she flinches away. Shit. What did he do? “I'm sorry, I …”

She shakes her head. “You love me?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” His heart races.

“What if I don't want the baby?”

“You're enough. If we get the baby, that could be … but you're enough.”

“If you're just saying that because I'm pregnant -”

“You know me better than that.” She should know him better than that. He's never reckless with feelings. He would never lie about something this important, especially not to her.

She shakes her head again and another tear runs down her cheek.“You don't know what I did.”

“What …?”

“I shot the girl. In Bahrain. She didn't understand and she was a threat and I had to take her out. I killed her.” Her voice is heavy with tears. She wipes them of her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Still love me?”

“Yes.”

Her face crumbles and when he reaches for her this time, she doesn't flinch. He cradles her face and strokes her cheeks.

“I love you,” he says. “I love you so much.” He kisses her very softly before he leans his forehead against hers. “You'll be okay, I promise.”

She wraps her arms around his waist. He feels the test pressing against his shoulder blade.

“I love you,” she says, “I love you too.” She squeezes him. It's like a revelation.

And he smiles. She loves him.

She smiled back and he kisses her again. A little longer, this time.

“What if I'm a bad mother?” she asks then.

“You're not.”

“But -”

“You're the kindest, warmest person I know.”

“People call me an ice queen.”

“I locked Ward in the basement for a reason.” He runs his hand through her soft hair until he can place it on her nape. “You'll be a great mother.”

“Do you even want a baby?”

“You're enough for me. If you don't want to we can just -”

“Phil.”

“Yes. I want this baby. I want this with you. But I don't need that, okay?”

“I want this with you too.” She swallows. “I'm just scared.”

“Yeah, me too.”

She snorts. “You're not as good with comfort as you think.”

Yeah. “Sorry.” He kisses her softly. “I love you. We've got this.” Another kiss. “Better?”

“Better.” She kisses him. “I love you too.”

There's so much they need to figure out. There're so many questions and responsibilities waiting for them. And he's scared, he is! - But he's also happy.

He kisses her again. The pregnancy test drops on the bed behind him. Things will change now.

Melinda runs her hands over his back. He loves her so much!

Some things just happen. This isn't one of them. He doesn't need an excuse for this. He doesn't need a way out. He's perfectly happy to be were he is right now.

 


End file.
